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何がいけないか。見にくい この一言に尽きます。文法を抜きにして言っている事はまぁまぁなんです。でも見にくいですよね。なぜなら・・・
エッセイを書くときの例を説明します。 エッセイは基本6paragraph以上からなります。以下¶と略します
 最初の¶はintroduction。ここでは見る側が興味を引く文を書かなければいけません。エッセイの説明となぜこのエッセイが書かれた経緯を書きます。でも~が起きて~があった、だから書くとかではありません。自然な感じに書くのが良いでしょう。
 2つ目の¶は、そう思う理由1
 3つ目の¶は、そう思う理由2
 4つ目の¶は、そう思う理由3
 5つ目の¶は、そう思う理由4

ここでポイントです。小論文でも理由=Bodyは4つ以上必要です。で徐々に説得力を強くしていくのが良いエッセイのきほんです。
さらにあまり一つずつの¶の文量が多くても見づらい原因になります。なので理由4に付け加えたい事があれば新しい¶に書くのが良い方法です。

 6つ目の¶はconclusionまとめです。かっこよくまとめることですね。

これが簡単なエッセイの工程です。
ほかに覚えておくこと。 もちろん口語は使ったらNGです。 しかし、をButと書くことは痛いです。
 例 NG→Good
 But→However So→Therefore And→Moreover こんなかんじです。
 できればBecauseを文頭に使うのもひかえた方が良いです。

 先ほどの文は小論文とはいえ結構ひどいものですね。アメリカに来て書き方を教わったのですが、来てから超書きました論文半年で何回課題があったことか・・・ そのおかげである程度まとまった論文を書けるようになったのも事実ですが。

 私もこれを教わり、何回も書くうちに良い文を書くことが出来てきました。未だに冠詞や文法ミス、時制ミスはありますが・・・ 1年後にはこんな感じになります。 Immigrationがお題でした。 日本語を英語に訳して書いてるわけではなく英語で最初から考えてるので訳はありませんがどうぞ。 まだこれでも自己評価60点くらいです。もちろん文法ミスもあります

Immigration for money

    In the class. We read the “First Crossing”, watched the “Death in the Desert”, interviewed community college’s students and shared the opinions about immigration. A woman who was I interviewed said she was happy to come to America. I have got opinions which are two challenges and two benefits for Immigrant from these activities. I thought benefits are stronger than challenges.

     The first challenge is immigrating is hard. It means immigrating costs too much. Getting ones papers is too expensive and it takes a long time. If immigrants have enough money, they will be able to get their papers. On the contrary, if immigrants don’t have enough money, they will not be able to get their papers. In that case border crossing by undocumented immigrants increases. It is dangerous. Let’s look the Matius’ story example. He tried to cross the border without his papers. He was walking to desert. As a result, he had dehydration and died. I don’t think immigrant should cross the border without the paper because it is illegal and dangerous.

     The next challenge is when people immigrate to US, their life might be hard because they are aliens for American people. American economy is decreasing. Then if immigrants come to US, American people won’t be happy. Some American people think it isn’t fair. Immigrant might be discriminate from some American people. During the class, documented immigrants are protected by law. However law can’t help to people to learn English. Moreover, many immigrants don’t speak English well. I interviewed one woman who immigrated to US. She said that she can speak English but not well. When she was looking for job, she couldn’t do well with the interview. I think language is the hurdle for immigrants.

     There are not only challenges for immigrants. There are more benefits. The first benefit is immigrants can get better job than in their own countries. In Marco’s father’s case, his father worked hard in Mexico, however he couldn’t make a lot of money. As an example of “First crossing”, almost all immigrants didn’t work in good conditions. They couldn’t make money in Mexico. They don’t make enough money for how long they work. Therefore when people immigrate US, immigrants can get job in good conditions.

     The next benefit is immigrant can get new ideas. Immigrating can know new ideas and new cultures. I have heard coming to new country has a lot of challenges but a women I interviewed told me can get new ideas. According to the migration map, immigrants come from a lot of country. Moreover Immigration is good for US. If they share their own culture, these will benefit for company or education.
Money is important to live. I don’t think money is everything. However If you don’t have money, you can’t buy food, clothes or commodities. Migrants work for money and send it to their family. I learned immigration is increase now. It means Immigrants need money and good jobs.

     Finally, I think immigration is benefit. Definitely, there are some challenges for immigrant. Sometimes it is dangerous. However there are a lot of benefits. That’s why they immigrate to America. As a Marco’s father, there are people who work very poor quality. We shouldn’t approve slave. We shouldn’t choose other people’s life. People should choose their life themselves and we should let them immigrate freely.

こんな感じです。この後手直しがあり、3回書き直しがありようやくOKをもらいました。なので自己評価も低めです



ランキング参加中です。上位にアップへご協力ください
にほんブログ村 英語ブログへ
にほんブログ村 
スポンサーサイト


追記を閉じる▲
エッセイを書くときの例を説明します。 エッセイは基本6paragraph以上からなります。以下¶と略します
 最初の¶はintroduction。ここでは見る側が興味を引く文を書かなければいけません。エッセイの説明となぜこのエッセイが書かれた経緯を書きます。でも~が起きて~があった、だから書くとかではありません。自然な感じに書くのが良いでしょう。
 2つ目の¶は、そう思う理由1
 3つ目の¶は、そう思う理由2
 4つ目の¶は、そう思う理由3
 5つ目の¶は、そう思う理由4

ここでポイントです。小論文でも理由=Bodyは4つ以上必要です。で徐々に説得力を強くしていくのが良いエッセイのきほんです。
さらにあまり一つずつの¶の文量が多くても見づらい原因になります。なので理由4に付け加えたい事があれば新しい¶に書くのが良い方法です。

 6つ目の¶はconclusionまとめです。かっこよくまとめることですね。

これが簡単なエッセイの工程です。
ほかに覚えておくこと。 もちろん口語は使ったらNGです。 しかし、をButと書くことは痛いです。
 例 NG→Good
 But→However So→Therefore And→Moreover こんなかんじです。
 できればBecauseを文頭に使うのもひかえた方が良いです。

 先ほどの文は小論文とはいえ結構ひどいものですね。アメリカに来て書き方を教わったのですが、来てから超書きました論文半年で何回課題があったことか・・・ そのおかげである程度まとまった論文を書けるようになったのも事実ですが。

 私もこれを教わり、何回も書くうちに良い文を書くことが出来てきました。未だに冠詞や文法ミス、時制ミスはありますが・・・ 1年後にはこんな感じになります。 Immigrationがお題でした。 日本語を英語に訳して書いてるわけではなく英語で最初から考えてるので訳はありませんがどうぞ。 まだこれでも自己評価60点くらいです。もちろん文法ミスもあります

Immigration for money

    In the class. We read the “First Crossing”, watched the “Death in the Desert”, interviewed community college’s students and shared the opinions about immigration. A woman who was I interviewed said she was happy to come to America. I have got opinions which are two challenges and two benefits for Immigrant from these activities. I thought benefits are stronger than challenges.

     The first challenge is immigrating is hard. It means immigrating costs too much. Getting ones papers is too expensive and it takes a long time. If immigrants have enough money, they will be able to get their papers. On the contrary, if immigrants don’t have enough money, they will not be able to get their papers. In that case border crossing by undocumented immigrants increases. It is dangerous. Let’s look the Matius’ story example. He tried to cross the border without his papers. He was walking to desert. As a result, he had dehydration and died. I don’t think immigrant should cross the border without the paper because it is illegal and dangerous.

     The next challenge is when people immigrate to US, their life might be hard because they are aliens for American people. American economy is decreasing. Then if immigrants come to US, American people won’t be happy. Some American people think it isn’t fair. Immigrant might be discriminate from some American people. During the class, documented immigrants are protected by law. However law can’t help to people to learn English. Moreover, many immigrants don’t speak English well. I interviewed one woman who immigrated to US. She said that she can speak English but not well. When she was looking for job, she couldn’t do well with the interview. I think language is the hurdle for immigrants.

     There are not only challenges for immigrants. There are more benefits. The first benefit is immigrants can get better job than in their own countries. In Marco’s father’s case, his father worked hard in Mexico, however he couldn’t make a lot of money. As an example of “First crossing”, almost all immigrants didn’t work in good conditions. They couldn’t make money in Mexico. They don’t make enough money for how long they work. Therefore when people immigrate US, immigrants can get job in good conditions.

     The next benefit is immigrant can get new ideas. Immigrating can know new ideas and new cultures. I have heard coming to new country has a lot of challenges but a women I interviewed told me can get new ideas. According to the migration map, immigrants come from a lot of country. Moreover Immigration is good for US. If they share their own culture, these will benefit for company or education.
Money is important to live. I don’t think money is everything. However If you don’t have money, you can’t buy food, clothes or commodities. Migrants work for money and send it to their family. I learned immigration is increase now. It means Immigrants need money and good jobs.

     Finally, I think immigration is benefit. Definitely, there are some challenges for immigrant. Sometimes it is dangerous. However there are a lot of benefits. That’s why they immigrate to America. As a Marco’s father, there are people who work very poor quality. We shouldn’t approve slave. We shouldn’t choose other people’s life. People should choose their life themselves and we should let them immigrate freely.

こんな感じです。この後手直しがあり、3回書き直しがありようやくOKをもらいました。なので自己評価も低めです



ランキング参加中です。上位にアップへご協力ください
にほんブログ村 英語ブログへ
にほんブログ村 
スポンサーサイト

【2014/08/22 20:31】 | 勉強記録
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